The crap present gift guide!

Looking for a funny or joke gift for someone? Or want to pick the ultimate office Secret Santa present? You’ll find the perfect idea in our crap gift guide by Nerissa Buckell from Crimson Tiger!

Remember the saying, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure? At no time is this more obvious than Christmas, when you open a ‘thoughtful’ gift from someone who supposedly likes you, and wonder: why?

One year, my husband gave me a grapefruit knife. I have no idea why – I hate grapefruit. I am sure there is someone out there who was hoping that somewhere under the tree lurked a grapefruit knife, but that someone definitely wasn’t me.

So, in the spirit of the grapefruit knife, I’ve put together the crap present guide: a collection of gift ideas that will horrify most people, but just could be the most brilliant, inspired gift for the perfect person. One person’s treasure, if you will.

They’ll also make brilliant Secret Santa gifts… guaranteed to get people talking (and sniggering) at your work Christmas party.

The crap present gift guide!

So here they are: 13 festive gift ideas you may like, but probably not a lot!

1) Boris Johnson pants

Yes, you did read that correctly. Boris Johnson pants. He’s the marmite of the political world, but love him or hate him, would you really want to be wearing his face on your underwear? These 100% cotton pants are really the pants of the gift world, £15 from Amazon. Other politicians are available!

2) Celebrity message

There’s nothing like a lovely Christmas message from your loved ones. But did you know you can actually pay to have a ‘celebrity’ send a video message for them? Among others, you can have the exuberant Christopher Biggins wish you well for just £25, a portion of which goes to charity.

3) Toilets around the world calendar

I love a strange calendar. In the past I have been known to gift an extreme ironing calendar, and one year I bought a hot fireman calendar and persuaded a few of our local firefighters to sign their messages to a fan of the fire brigade. But a calendar of toilets?? I suppose for just £9.99 you really could say you have had a c£@p year! You can buy from the Calendar Club.

If you wanted to build on the theme, you could also stretch to the desk calendar What’s your poo telling you?, £8.99.  It covers poo, pee and farts for every day of the year, apparently.

4) Boob scarf pattern

You’ve heard of a booby prize? Well this is the booby gift – you even have to make it yourself! For £4.99 you can get a crochet pattern to create your own boob scarf.

It’s bound to go down well on the school run in January, and would make an interesting ice-breaker for meetings with a new client. From My Drunken Aunt on Etsy (you can also buy a pattern for matching ear muffs).

5) Bacon toothpaste

You have had a lovely evening with the person of your dreams, and by chance you find you are under a sprig of mistletoe. You see the twinkle in their eyes, you close your eyes and slowly your lips go to meet and then… eww. Their breath stinks of bacon.

I get that not everyone likes mint, but seriously? Bacon? Head to Firebox for bacon breath.

6) Belly button brush

Yes, there really is such a thing as a belly button brush. Presented in a lovely gift box, the perfect gift for the person with a fluff-collecting belly button. From Amazon, £12.99.

7) Coloured and patterned toilet paper

Okay, slight confession here, I actually gave my father and his wife some coloured toilet roll once. It matched perfectly with their cloakroom, but it was done tongue in cheek. I suppose it does make a different gift for the person who has everything!

8) Father Christmas bathroom suit set

Fancy decorating your toilet as, erm Santa? Can you imagine how you would feel about opening this on Christmas morning? Or peeing into Santa’s mouth? The biggest problem with this other than the obvious problem with taste, is static! From Amazon, £7.90.

9) Fat callipers

If you buy this for as a gift for someone, even as a joke, be prepared to be slapped! Seriously, we really would not want to be reminded of any little padding on the day devoted to over-indulgence. From Ebay, £1.99.

10) Hot dog slicer

No matter how keen a cook, there are only so many kitchen gadgets anyone cope with. Use a knife if you need to chop your sausage! From Ebay, £4.99.

11) A blanket with sleeves

Only ever give someone a blanket with sleeves if it’s on their wish list. If you can detect a hint of bitterness, you’re not wrong. My husband gave me one of these for our tenth wedding anniversary. How nice darling, though I was hoping for a pair of diamond earrings. That year was known to all around us as Slanketgate. It even comes in beige.

12) Bearded hats

I am a little reluctant to add these to this list as I secretly want one. A hat with a beard, all sorts of beards, even Viking style beards. They definitely fit the so bad they’re good category. They even have a Viking collection with removable beards!

13) Handerpants

Underpants for your hands? Why? Just… why? With so many pretty, stylish gloves and fingerless gloves to choose from, why would you want to have them styled on the most unattractive piece of underwear available? It could only be worse if they were styled on the Boris Pants…

Have yourself a Merry Bad Gift Christmas! And if you are unfortunate to receive one of these gifts don’t forget to regift it responsibly.

Nerissa Buckell owns and runs online gifts, homewares and accessories website Crimson Tiger.