How to tell a new partner you have an incurable STI
If you’ve been diagnosed with an incurable sexually transmitted infection (STI), discussing it with a new partner can feel overwhelming. Since STI conversations are rarely covered in sex education, it’s no surprise that many people are unsure how to approach the topic.
A recent survey by Well Pharmacy Online Doctor, revealed that over three-quarters (77%) of Brits wouldn’t feel comfortable telling a new partner if they had an incurable STI.
When asked what their biggest concern about dating with an incurable STI would be, 4 in 10 (42%) said telling potential partners about their condition, whilst more than 1 in 4 (26%) said fear of rejection.
To find out more, Amie Anand, Independent Pharmacist at Well Pharmacy Online Doctor partnered with relationship expert, Louella Alderson, to share expert advice on how to confidently navigate dating with an incurable STI and how to have honest conversations about sexual health.
What is an incurable STI?
Many STIs are completely curable with the right treatment, which is why staying informed and getting regular tests is so important. Infections like chlamydia, gonorrhoea, and syphilis can often be treated with antibiotics, preventing long-term health issues.
However, some STIs, such as herpes and HIV are incurable, meaning they can be managed but not completely eliminated.
Herpes is a common virus with two types: HSV-1 (oral herpes), which mainly causes cold sores, and HSV-2 (genital herpes), which mainly affects the genitals. According to a recent study, an estimated 1 in 8 adults in Britain have genital herpes, and 8 in 10 have oral herpes (also known as cold sores).
Herpes spreads through skin contact and can cause blisters, though some people have no symptoms. The virus can stay dormant for long periods, and some may never have outbreaks again. There’s no cure, but medication can help manage symptoms and reduce the risk of spreading.
HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) weakens the immune system, making it harder to fight infections. It typically spreads through unprotected sex, sharing needles, or from mother to baby during pregnancy. Some experience flu-like symptoms early on, but without treatment, it can lead to AIDS. There’s no cure, but daily medication helps people live healthy lives and lowers the risk of transmission. It is estimated that 113,500 people are living with HIV in the UK.
How to tell a new partner you have an incurable STI
Relationship expert at So Syncd, Louella Alderson, shares advice on approaching the conversation around incurable STIs with a new partner.
Have a confident and positive mindset
However you choose to share your STI status, approaching the conversation with confidence and a positive mindset can make all the difference. While it’s natural to feel vulnerable, being open about your status demonstrates honesty and respect for your partner. Having an incurable STI doesn’t define you, nor is it something to be ashamed of.
Do it sooner rather than later
If you have an incurable STI, it’s usually best to bring it up sooner rather than later, and definitely before things become physically intimate.
This gives your partner the chance to give informed consent. Disclosing your status before any sexual activity where transmission is possible is essential. Choose a moment when you both feel comfortable and can have a private, distraction-free conversation.
Keep the conversation light and easy
Keeping the conversation honest and straightforward can make it easier for both of you and helps break down stigma around STIs.
When bringing it up for the first time, there’s no need to dive into every detail, focus on being clear and confident. You don’t have to explain how you contracted it unless you want to, but being open about what it means can help gain mutual trust. Rather than seeing it as a potential dealbreaker, think of it as a must-have conversation in order for things to progress.
If you’re feeling unsure of what to say, Louella provides some conversational ways to approach the topic.
“Before we get more serious, I just wanted to be upfront about something. I’m living with (STI). It’s not something that will stop us from being intimate, but I think it’s good to talk about how we can stay safe. Let me know if you want to chat about it.”
I always think it’s important to discuss sexual health with anyone I’m seeing. I have (STI), and I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page about using protection and being safe.
Be clued up about your condition
Being informed and knowledgeable about your condition is key to managing it in a relationship. Understanding treatment options, and how to reduce the risk of transmission is an important part of the process. The more you know, the easier it is to navigate challenges and ensure both you and your partner feel comfortable and safe.
Use your online dating profile to disclose your STI status
Whether you choose to disclose your STI on your dating profile is up to you. If you feel like it’s a private matter that you want to keep to yourself, that’s completely ok. You don’t have to disclose every detail about yourself on your dating app profile.
Equally, if it feels right to add something like herpes+ or HPV+ to your profile, it can be a way to show that you’re confident and honest about your health status. It can set the tone for open communication from the start. This may even help you match with other singles living with the same diagnosis. If you don’t want to share your exact status, you could add sexual health advocate instead.
Use dating sites dedicated to people living with STIs
It may help to seek out new relationships with people going through the same thing as you. There are online platforms like STI dating sites designed to connect people with the same diagnosis, helping reduce stigma and the risk of transmitting the infection.
Sites such as PositiveSingles which is a confidential Herpes and STD platform, has over 2.5 million users worldwide. Positive+1 is another widely-used dating site for people who are HIV positive.
Ultimately, you should feel comfortable having the conversation and if your partner isn’t willing to do so, then they aren’t the right partner for you.
How to recognise STI symptoms
Knowing the symptoms of STIs can help you catch an infection early and seek treatment if curable. Symptoms to watch for include pain or burning during urination, unusual discharge, and sores or bumps on the genitals or mouth. If you notice any of these, get tested and treated as soon as possible.
If you’re worried about STIs, it’s best to discuss your symptoms with your GP who can advise you on the best course of action.
