How to set and model healthy boundaries as a leader
On the surface, the notion of boundaries can seem quite simple, yet working them out and actually applying them can feel complicated.
Boundaries can make or break your mood, setting you up for success or leading you down a pathway of gloom. As a leader, your responsibility is to manage your own boundaries as well as enable your team to effectively set and manage theirs, and that is no easy task. Your team will look to you to role model great boundary management. So turn inwards, do the work on defining your boundaries and then, communicate them – loudly and often!
Before we dive into this topic, let’s reflect on the challenges people often find with creating, implementing, and maintaining boundaries. In my experience, they often fall into four categories:
- They are too strict, and this has a negative impact on the people around you, having you fall into the trap of becoming a person who is difficult to live or work with.
- They are too flexible and don’t really act as boundaries at all, putting you in danger of pleasing everyone else and making your own life miserable. So many leaders often fall into this trap.
- They are someone else’s boundaries and not your own. Trying to copy and paste someone else’s hard-earned work into your own life is likely to be a misfit for you.
- They are out of date. As time moves on, your priorities and requirements will change. Boundaries that once worked well for you may no longer be hitting the mark as they once did. As you evolve over time, so must your boundaries.
Do any of these ring that bell for you?
Setting boundaries
Your boundaries will enable you to make choices that work for you. Allocating your boundaries into one of these categories could assist you in knowing when to stand firm and when to let things go.
Non-negotiable boundaries
Non-negotiable boundaries are the boundaries you hold firmly. It’s likely you’ll need a few critically important, firmly held boundaries. Too many and you may become too rigid, too few and your time might be eaten by someone else. Only you can decide these.
Bouncy boundaries
Bouncy boundaries are the boundaries that adapt depending on the situation. Many boundaries cannot be predefined as they’re nuanced. It may be about weighing up the pros and cons, making a best guess. It can be helpful to understand where the situation fits into your personal priorities and values before deciding.
They can also be conditional – when you’re prepared to do something for a certain person, or in a specific situation, but only if there’s a quid-pro-quo arrangement. Be clear on what you are prepared to negotiate on.
Free-flex boundaries
Free-flex boundaries are the boundaries that are the most adaptable. It’s also helpful to have some situations where the boundaries are much more flexible. To create the space to have fun and to try new things. There will always be some people in your life who will probably nearly always get a yes.
Define who these people are up front – it will make it easier to draw the line when you need to. Consider people who are important and those who can make or break your day. You only need a few situations and a very limited number of people in this category.
How to implement boundaries
Implementing and maintaining boundaries is a lot harder than defining them. It’s about making choices on what you will invest your time into and who you will spend it with. In many situations, the answer may be obvious, you’ll have that gut feeling that says a big yes or a definite no.
When you’re not sure, trying out these three stages may help you work through each situation.
1) PAUSE
You may want to please other people and think you need to decide immediately. Sometimes this may be true, yet in many cases, this pressure comes from within! The first step to implementing better boundaries is to simply pause. The pause could be quick whilst you mentally tot up the score. You may also need to take more time to properly consider and discuss the issue with others before returning with an answer.
2) PONDER
When considering your options, you may benefit from looking at either end of the yes/no spectrum, analysing where they might fit with your boundaries and what each of those options would mean. Be mindful of the difference between missing out on a great opportunity and simply saying yes through the fear of missing out (FOMO is a serious boundary crusher!).
You may have a clear answer after you’ve worked through the questions. For trickier decisions, you may want to engage in conversation to help you decide. Perhaps that’s a necessary conversation in certain circumstances (for example, for opportunities that may impact other people) and at other times it may be helpful to get some outside perspective.
3) PICK
You will need to make a choice and that choice may not be as binary as yes or no. It could be yes with caveats, or yes but not now. It could be a direct no or just a not yet. Saying no is an activity that many people find challenging. That’s why so many people find themselves overcommitted and then overwhelmed.
There are many reasons why a no feels difficult. From wanting to please people, to not wanting to let people down, to FOMO, the reasons to say yes when you want to say no can feel compelling. Stand strong in your choices, they will serve you well (and saying no gets easier the more you practise it).
Communicate your boundaries – loudly!
Once you’ve defined a boundary, tell people about it. Until it’s shared, it’s just an idea in your head. When people are aware of your boundaries, they have the opportunity to respect them.
You can’t get mad at Alex for putting in an 8.30am meeting if you’ve never told them that’s your special focus time (and block it out in your calendar too to make it easier for everyone). If you have shared it and they’re encroaching on your boundary, it’s time for a more in-depth conversation.
If you’re having a challenge with a tricky boundary issue, don’t go it alone. Like in maths when you’re at school, share your working out. If it’s one of those bouncy boundaries where the answer could be yes or no, talk about your thought process, especially with your team. And make sure you’re clear on the reasoning for your final answer and how it might be different the next time.
When you’re behaving in line with your defined non-negotiables, do it loudly. If you’ve decided you’re going to go to the gym at lunch time, grab your bag and tell people when you’re headed there. This has way more impact than telling your team it’s okay to prioritise their wellbeing.
If you’re leaving the office early to go see your kids’ sports day, pick up your dog from the vet, or help your mate move house, tell people what you’re going to do. This gives people permission to do the same and I think you’ll experience a significant increase in the joy you bring to people’s lives as a side benefit.
And finally, when your boundaries need to change, as they inevitably will because life isn’t static, re-frame them, re-work them and re-communicate them.
Beth Stallwood is a coach, facilitator, speaker, consultant, author, and the founder of Create WorkJoy.
She’s spent 20 years developing her signature practical, passionate approach, and excels at getting to the heart of what’s actually going on – whether that’s for an individual client stuck in WorkGloom or an organisation with a people challenge to solve. Beth is also the author of WorkJoy: A Toolkit for a Better Working Life.
