What do we look for in others when we lose touch with ourselves?
We live in a world buzzing with constant connection, yet more people than ever feel emotionally lost. When we lose touch with ourselves, we often don’t notice it right away. Life continues: we work, talk, scroll, smile.
But under the surface, a subtle emptiness forms. It’s not dramatic or loud; it’s quiet, like forgetting the sound of your own voice.
The quiet crisis of disconnection
In these moments, we begin to unconsciously search for something. And most often, we look for it in others.
What are we really trying to find? Validation, perhaps. A reflection of our forgotten values. Or someone who can remind us who we are, because we no longer feel sure. This search isn’t always obvious. It hides in our relationships, our need for approval, or the way we romanticize people who seem “complete.”
Emotional disconnection isn’t a flaw. It’s a signal. A reminder to pause and look inward.
When self-awareness fades, mirrors become maps
In psychology, there’s a concept known as projection — the idea that we often see in others what we’re avoiding in ourselves. For instance, if you feel inadequate but haven’t addressed that wound, you might idealize confident people or chase their attention. Or, if you’re secretly angry but suppress it, you might find yourself overly reactive to others’ irritation.
This dynamic becomes especially strong when self-awareness fades. Our relationships turn into mirrors: we unconsciously use others to map out what we’ve lost or forgotten within.
What’s more, we often attach to people not because of who they are, but because of how they fill our internal voids. A calm person might attract someone in chaos. A grounded friend might feel magnetic to someone who’s drifting. And in that dynamic, we begin to assign them the job of anchoring us.
That’s why, according to insights from the Liven blog, it’s essential to return to emotional self-check-ins and inner alignment before we overly rely on external validation. At Liven, reflection is seen not as indulgence, but as maintenance — a way to stay rooted even when life shakes us.
The roles we assign to others
When we lose touch with ourselves, we tend to place invisible expectations on people around us. We don’t mean to — it happens quietly. A partner becomes our emotional regulator. A friend becomes our therapist. A stranger’s approval carries too much weight.
For example, you might post something personal on Instagram and then check three times to see who liked it. It’s not just curiosity — it’s a quiet hope to feel “seen” when you’re internally disconnected. In those moments, another person’s attention becomes a measurement of your worth, even though it’s an external signal that can easily disappear. In these moments, it’s not that others change. It’s that we change how we relate to them.
The deeper issue is that we may not recognize these roles are unnatural. We don’t ask, “Am I looking for support or outsourcing my emotional labor?” We simply feel soothed when someone offers what we can’t give ourselves, and over time this becomes dependency.
Such dynamics create pressure. The other person may sense it, even if unspoken. It can lead to miscommunication, burnout, or resentment — not out of malice, but because no one can sustain being another person’s emotional center forever.
The antidote lies in rebuilding the self-relationship so that others become companions, not lifelines.
Rediscovering your emotional fingerprint
Everyone has what can be called an emotional fingerprint: a unique pattern of feelings, triggers, needs, and ways of expressing care. When we’re attuned to it, we make choices aligned with who we are. When we’re disconnected from it, we move through life reacting instead of responding.
To reconnect with this inner compass, start small. Ask yourself:
- When did I last feel truly like myself?
- What makes me feel grounded — not excited, but settled?
- What emotions have I been avoiding?
Sometimes, we think we need a full reinvention. But often, we just need to remember. Your emotional fingerprint isn’t lost. It’s just buried under noise, pressure, or neglect.
Try this:
- Spend 10 minutes journaling in the morning without editing yourself.
- Take a solo walk without music or distractions, and simply observe your thoughts.
- Choose one evening a week to unplug — no screens, no scrolling.
- Name your current emotion out loud, even if no one is around to hear it.
It’s worth doing seemingly insignificant things to realise that you can be fine on your own, and that you don’t need to have someone around to be in harmony.
The balance between connection and self-containment
It’s important to note: needing others is not a weakness. Humans are social beings. But there’s a difference between interdependence and emotional outsourcing.
Interdependence says, “I know who I am, and I value what you bring.”
Outsourcing says, “I don’t feel whole without you.”
Healthy relationships are made not of two halves, but of two wholes that support each other. And the foundation of that wholeness is self-intimacy — the ability to sit with yourself, understand your needs, and navigate your emotions without panic.
The goal is not to cut yourself off from others. The goal is to relate without clinging. To love without losing yourself. To receive support without making someone else your foundation.
In today’s world of curated personas and instant feedback, it’s easy to get caught up in how others see us. But the most sustainable peace comes from how you see you.
Before seeking, return
So, what do we look for in others when we lose touch with ourselves? The short answer: fragments of what we miss within. But the long answer is more compassionate — we’re not broken. We’re just tired. Distracted. Overwhelmed. And in those states, it’s only natural to reach outward.
Still, the invitation is clear — before you search for someone to complete you, pause and check in with who’s already there.
You.
Because when you know who you are — even softly, even imperfectly — you stop looking for mirrors. You start looking for meaning.
Let that be your guide home.
