Breaking the cycle: How working moms can unlearn generational triggers
You can be the most independent, strong woman with a bustling social life and growing business, and still carry unhealed childhood trauma in some corner of your brain. That trauma usually resurfaces when it’s your time to parent. And it’s not always obvious what could trigger it.
If you’re not aware of these triggers, especially as a working mom whose time is stretched extra thin, you can pass it on to your children. Let’s take a look at what it means to break the cycle and how to recognise your own triggers before it’s too late.
What Does It Mean to Break the Cycle?
Let’s start with generational triggers: what are they and why do we have them?
These are inherited behavioural patterns we learn in early childhood from our parents and by observing our surroundings. As children, we absorb how the adults around us react to stress, risk, and conflict. As adults, these behaviours pop up when we are confronted with similar triggering situations.
For instance, if you grew up with parents who were anxious around money and spending, you might be frugal and risk-averse as an adult businesswoman. Your parents’ financial anxiety can manifest as your difficulty reinvesting in growth out of an irrational fear of scarcity.
If you had a working mother, you might have been exposed to the “superwoman” myth that states women can have it all. They can be mothers, successful entrepreneurs, homemakers, and loving wives, all while always looking fabulous and well-rested.
If you feel it’s your duty to take on everything and carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, it might be time to take a step back and analyse why.
The first step toward breaking the cycle is to recognise your generational triggers and how they impact your life as a woman in business and a mother. Once you do, it’s time to start working on control and healing.
Tips to Start the Healing Process
You won’t break the cycle or get in control of your triggers overnight. Especially not with a crying baby by your side and an inbox that’s bursting at the seams. Emotions run high during the first years of motherhood, or whenever there’s a new addition to the family, so it’s a good idea to have a few tools and tricks up your sleeve.
Here’s what can help you get ahead of the emotional storm that is motherhood:
Consider Specialised Help
Whether it’s good-old therapy focused on generational triggers or parenting coaching, the idea is to look for professional support for lasting change. The purpose is to bring awareness to the unconscious beliefs you carry and learn if they’re helpful or not.
For example, many working mothers feel guilt when returning to work. To some extent, this is a normal emotion, but it also stems from societal pressures that are still alive and well today. Our mothers went through it as well. A therapist or parenting coach can help you work through this guilt so it’s easier to return to work while also creating a strong bond with your baby.
Give Yourself Grace
Fights between parents and children happen. You will raise your voice at some point. You might even lose your patience when a kid throws a tantrum. When these happen, don’t automatically go into guilt mode. Instead, forgive yourself and focus on repair.
According to Harvard Health, the way we repair a rupture in communication is how we strengthen connections. Do not sweep things under the rug and hope your child will get over it. If you’re still in your feelings, do a few calming breathing exercises, and then talk it out.
Be open about your mistake (I’ve lost my cool for a moment there, bud), and give your child options:
- Answer any questions they might have
- Hug it out
- Give them space
- Offer a plan for the future (Next time, I’ll be more open to your opinions)
Funnily enough, these same techniques will help you repair a work relationship after a miscommunication or a heated argument.
Set Up Healthy Boundaries
Breaking the cycle might mean redrawing your map of communications and behaviours from scratch. Start with yourself. If you are your worst critic, set up boundaries on how you speak to yourself. Especially after a long, tiresome day/week/month.
Next, set boundaries about how family life and work life intertwine. For instance, you may need a rule about answering late-night emails after the kids go to bed.
Breaking the Cycle Starts With You
It may be a bit of a heavy task, but it is necessary for a healthy family life while maintaining your work acumen. The good news is that you have all the resources and tools you need. You just need to start taking the steps that women from previous generations couldn’t.
